aslkdjh [s u b m i t]. ... Wait. [e d i t]. Start Over.

So OMGah. My heart has been racing all the time and I can always feel my chest pounding. At night I find myself laying down thinking about what I should write to you. I walk around everywhere with a notepad to jote down any thoughts of inspiration. But every freaking time i sit down and begin to write this nothing comes out. Or there are just too many things I want to write about. My mind explodes and it always seems like I am behind. I want to go back in time and just pause time everytime I want to write so that I do neither lose the moment nor use any of my time.

There was a time when I use to have penpals. There was a time when my ear was glued to the phone with people other than my boyfriend. There was I used to write letters. There was time when I used to cut paste doodle my heart out with my crayola markers. [that is so something i should seriously consider because i have a so0per marker tower from one of my dinkis.] There was time when I used to collect tons of magazine pictures in hopes of making a collage. These are all things that I used to have time to do admist my daily busy hustle of school work love pcs and my lazyness and working out (the irony huh). I still spend most my time here in front of lil miss delia [my beloved laptop], but nothing comes out of it. there is nothing to show or prove my endless hours of browsing the internet, researching various topics that only i find interesting enough to catch my short attention span for the time being until I go off onto what I ought to be doing or I drift onto another topic. Or worse yet of all [but perhaps it's for the better] when my internet explorer freezes or messes up where i cannot open any more tabs and i lose all my windows and am too lazy to go through my history to continue reading whatever it was for the moment.

So just to sum it up:

e v e r y    t i m e    i    a m    a b o u t    t o    w r i t e    i    f i n d    m y s e l f    
a t    a    l o s s    o f    w o r d s . . .

[it is like when you are about to tell the boy you like how you feel. you heart is just pounding and you are embarassed to do what you must yet you are excited at the same time. all your emotions are just taking complete control over your body, and you open your mouth and cannot say a word.]

that is how i feel. but perhaps not as melodramatic as that though. i have been like going crazy trying to start this blog when i should be studying cuz i have so much work but instead i am wasting my time on this and every time i try to put this off i waste my time trying to get myself to stop. so i figured i should just let myself go for it. there must be a reason why i need to write again. why i need to get this all out before i go crazy. i can feel myself at the edge ready to snap often, and every so often when i lay down the tears start to roll gently my cheeks [my chubby cheeks]. And I don't know why but I am overwhelmed by sadness. Perhaps this is the sadness that I try not to let myself feel, but where does it come from. Why I am so sad? Is there a cause? I do not see any serious barriers in my life that would cause such strife, well at least not any more than a typical pre-med college student would have. [weird that i classify myself as such, perhaps to give you more of an idea of what you're dealing with]

the truth be told, [although i am scared of what it may imply] i still think a big part of my sadness is due to hereditary factors. the fact that my dad's family [uh my parents are divorced and separated duh] is so cryptic about their past and their outright refusal to tell my mom whether or not they have a history seems to be an almost certain dead giveaway right? But I guess whether or not they want to admit it, I still have to deal with it, and writing always seemed to be the perfect outlet. on this blog i hope to explore and utilize different types of multimedia. [meaning please bear with me while i experiment] so an apology in advance: sorry if some of my posts are so0per lame. i'm not a pro status blogger [yet]. ps i like saying the word super like that... you'll hear me soon [as soon as i figure how to work the dang thing].

well i guess that's al for now so i can start working on my next post before lame-o ORGO, which I am dreading [for reasons you'll learn about soon!!!] So Stay Tuned & See ya Soon.

♥ Dinks